| ... blah... |
[16 Jun 2004|10:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this
thousand foot krutch // this is a call
check this song out... the first verse sounds rather familiar to me...
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| why am i here? |
[20 May 2004|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
i honestly cant answer that question... i honestly need just to hang out with my sis and just get away from things up here... today i've barely eaten anything... yell at me all you want... it wont do anything... and if anyone asks me about church... my answer to you: i just dont care anymore... i might just stop going... but who knows? i just need to step back... thats what this summer is for... for me to sit back and try to relax but sometimes people dont help... people stress me out even more sometimes... but you know what? i'm tired of just being a punching bag for someones anger... sometimes my feelings dont matter... i just wish i had him next to me right now... maybe i'd feel better... maybe i wouldnt feel like i'm alone... even if my friends- you guys have your own lives to live... go out and live them... dont worry about me.... i'll be fine- i've survived worse... just do one thing for me: if you're my friend, dont worry about me... if i want you to know whats going on, you'll know... if i dont tell you, dont get pissed at me... i just dont want you to know...end of story... well i'm off to go do something to try and distract myself
later
-bev-
The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need
maybe one day i'll go without someone pointing out my errors...
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| ...have you lost your way... |
[12 May 2004|09:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
hey folks
its me...again... i was going to post a poem but instead i'm going to write down sort how i'm feeling..if you can make any sense of it then you are gifted.... sorry if it turns into a rant but i need to vent
the second semester has been kicking me in the butt in school... you'd think having only B was good enough but my parents and even i agree i can do better... but i hate being the smart kid... gives people another reason to look down on me but i've learned that people... you suck! well some of you huys are alright but i mean just everyone else... those who get off on degrading people because it makes you feel powerful? what gives you the right to decide that you're better than everyone else? whered you get that messed up notion? instead of trying to fight back with you and try to win a battle that cannot be won i'll pray that one day you find that your words are hurtful and cause more pain than good... that was dedicated to the kids in my art class who make everyday "pick on bev" day... what else is there... oh yeah... when i was back in chicago, i actually saw why i left... it wasnt because of my family... it wasnt because i didnt have any friends except for lily... i left because i didnt feel welcomed there... i know everyone tried but that warm feeling that you were supposed to feel wasnt there.. i lived there for 11 years and i felt like a stranger all 11 years there... rockledge has been more of a home to me then chicago probably ever would have been.... yes i miss my family especially my grandma..she means the world to me but everything else made me accept the idea of moving... i thought new opportunity and new chance to make friends and i've done that but i've also grown farther away from people... i appologize to you guys... sometimes when i get in a certain mood i want to shut down and i will go to maybe one of a few people... its an automatic reflex of mine that i need to fix... sorry i need to get out of that... yea thats enough for today.. part two will come later
well later
-bev-
ps- tex answered if free willy is communist so you guys suck.... just kidding...
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| its a pic i drew |
[12 May 2004|06:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
i drew that today in history... what can i say? i got bored
i'll put a poem in here later tonight
later folks
-beverley-
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| i came home... |
[11 May 2004|08:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
( and i'm staring down the barrel of a .45 )
hey guys
bev here
just sitting and thinking... two things i tend to be rather good at... i came back last night from chicago... i'm so glad i got to see my grandma but i didnt want to leave... i feel horrible for leaving her here... we're each other's balance in a way and we were uneven and we both felt it in different ways... i shouldnt have left... well enough beating myself up... today was pretty much make up work day... i think i'm almost caught up so thats not bad... i hung out with muff, tex, gilly and bryon til about 445 cuz i had to come home and do my homework... i have to make up a test afterschool tomorrow... oh dear
well sorry to be brief but i have to go
later
-the dreamer girl lost in the clouds-
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| "don't change for anyone... you are exactly as God wants you to be" |
[02 May 2004|10:04pm] |
|
my dad is one of the smartest and wisest christian i know... he taught me most of the bible knowledge that i remember... he told me that two days ago when he called me after he fasted for 3 days... i think i might fast for 3 days... maybe when i get back from chicago (i leave thursday morning)... well i was reading the bible homework my dad gave me (he gives me bible homework) and he told me to check out 3 passages... two of them hit me off the bat... hope you dont mind if i talk about them... sorry if i sound preachy
Ephesian 6:10-18: what really hit me was verse 12... that we arent fighting against people.. we're fighting against something that some people have no clue about... something besides the physical realm (so to speak)... basically God will protect us from all the evil and negativity that is attacking us and trying to wear us down... but we have to put on his armor so to speak and stay strong ourselves and God will help us... God will always be there to help us... all we have to do is ask and he'll help us... it might not be directly or as soon as you ask but it'll happen... i'm proof of that... i asked God one day to give me the strength to see and realize who my true friends are... and i've finally done that... i was shocked to see who is left... and also another time- when pretty much i was being used by a guy i know, i asked God to maybe show me someone who wont use me and he sent me someone i never thought he's send me... anyways
the other one... Psalm 139... this is one that i love now... what i think it says is that God is everywhere and in everything... he sees everything we do and knows what we're thinking or going to say before we say it... and He'll always be with us whether we believe it or not...
well i'm going to go lay down and chill but i'm going to write up a prayer on here... you can read it if you like but i didnt get a chance to get my prayer requests out today:
dear heavenly Father, thank you for allowing me to be able to get what i needed to get done today and for allowing everyone to be safe. i ask that you grant my godmother a speedy recovery and thank you for letting her come out of the hospital safely. please be with kitty and his family- i know they need you right now along with tex's family... please especially be with tex and her family... help her to continue strongly in her walk with you Lord and maybe show her brother the light, happiness and safety that he can find in you... just protect all of those close to me right now who are going through tough ordeals... help them to see you and to know that you will always be there for them even when things are their worst- help them to stand firm in this continuing battle that they are facing and help them to come out strong
in Jesus's name I pray
-Amen-
-bevy-
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| *waves* hi i'm lost... |
[29 Apr 2004|06:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
heylo folks... today has been one of those days when i wish i would of kept my mouth shut... in art someone dissed my art work and i yelled back then she called me b***h... the sad thing is she didnt even do it to my face... at least if you're going to disrespect me and degrade me with such stupid comment, say them to my face! thats all i have to say about that but one day she'll understand what its like to be in my shoes... quite big shoes indeed... i just got home from my friend tex's house... i've been hanging out with her a lot lately... she's one of the few people i'm extremely close too and she's pretty much the only one that might know most of the skeletons in my closet... what can i say? she's like the big sister i never had... why i had to be the oldest i'm still not sure of... and tomorrow i have 4 quizzes... and all of them almost back to back... arent i glad i have band, art and lunch inbetween? oh yeah!... hehehe- today in band i got to play the "gong" (according to koolerfly tis not a gong but close enough)... it was freaking hilarious... first i hit it too soft then too loud... it was fun... yeah...
yesterday at church i wrote 2 poems... if you can figure out who they are written about, i'll give you... a gold star... w00t!
well here are the poems and i'm off to study
later
-bevy-
( if i were there )
( the goddess )
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| her star fell from the sky |
[27 Apr 2004|10:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
Her hair fell down messily over her face as we drove up to her door. I stepped out of the car with Mojo Jojo in hand. I could see the sadness in her eyes a mile away. I could see the tears she wanted to cry but was afraid to cry. All I wanted to do was sit there and cry with her. We joked around in the front of her house, just trying to keep her smiling and her thoughts away from the tragedy she suffered. Conversations of fruitcake and Mojo Jojo took the air and we sat and chilled. Then Chris was called and the idea to go to his house came about. The two girls went inside the house to get changed from sitting on the ground after it had finished raining. As we tried on clothes, conversations of personal matters were brought about. We just sat and talked one-on-one... something that I have been unable to do with someone in quite a while. After we'd finished what we needed to do and were about to leave, all I could think about was how much of a friend she is to me and that without her here helping me and just being there for me, i'd be lost or probably dead if it wasnt for her... like i said once upon a time... you never know who your true friends are until when you cry they cry with you and they care enough to sit down with you in a closet and talk about anything and anything. All that I ask is that may she be given enough strength to get through this and come out even stronger on the other side. Death is like a 2 way door: its an end but its also a beginning...
-bev-
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| now thats interesting |
[26 Apr 2004|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
May she be given the strength to go on when the stars seem to leave her night sky
goodnight all
-beverley-
|
|
| saturday |
[24 Apr 2004|11:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
( poetry corner )
now i venture into dreamland...hopefully i'll smile in my dreams
later
-bev-
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| tell me... is this funny? |
[24 Apr 2004|01:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
me: my computer is controlled by the nazi crap... it hates me cuz i'm black
liam: hahahaha
me: oh yeah
me: its playa hating
me: btw... i have an inability to speak proper slang so thus i've been demoted from black to idk what the crap u are
liam: hahahahahahaha
me: am i just funny?
me: tis the nazi crab not the nazi crap
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| good morning *falls over* |
[24 Apr 2004|11:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy |
] |
hey folks... my mom woke me up at freaking 8 this morning so i could go get my hair done... ah!!! my hair looks pretty and its down!!! *shakes head* well anyways.... yesterday afterschool was fun... meika, casey and i just hung out and foxy called me from the concert she was at last night... she called me while puddle of mudd was on... she's so freaking lucky dude...hey foxy- if u read this... let me know about this summer as soon as u can but right now my mom is contemplating (not a good thing) hopefully if i get good grades on my report card, she'll let me go...hopefully
well folks
too tired to actually type something
later and i hate you all (just kidding)
-bev-
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| check it out |
[22 Apr 2004|09:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
by yours truly
-pinkity-
|
|
| i slammed my toe into a wall... again... |
[22 Apr 2004|06:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indifferent |
] |
heylo... and i'm officially clumsy... i accidentally slammed my toe into a wall... yeah ouchies for me... well nothing really to say... today was bareable... band was probably the highlight of my day and maybe lunch but thats it... it could have been better but i'm to blame for that...
well later
-bev-
Drive to dream to live, we could see the world tonight
Here to hope tomorrow we could see the world
- anberlin // autobahn
If I could write one letter to the world as we know it
I would list these rhymes that mean everything to me
Heartache temporary, Bullets only stop your blood
Pain will live on and on
In everyone, in everyone
-anberlin // change the world (lost ones)
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| dude... i think my cat smokes crack |
[21 Apr 2004|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
optimistic |
] |
heylo folks
i hope your day was better than mine...
Art Class: was pure torture today... i mean the group that hates me decided to make fun of me to my face and all of them laugh at me and just the way i am... usually i wouldnt care but the fact that one of my closest friends just sat and didnt even defend me hurts more than their hollow words... i mean frankly they can shut up... theyre wasting their breath... the day i let anyone make me have to repeat the pain i went through when i was in chicago will be my last day at RHS... i declare it... i mean i love art with ms. woz... its a chance for me to relax and be creative and do something i love to do but its people like them that make me hate my work and make me feel like i'm a piece of crap... you know what... they can all screw themselves as far as i'm concerned... if they feel the need to make fun of people to feel good about themselves then they are just a waste of my time... yeah so that pretty much killed the dynamic of the day for the most part...
History: i passed out in the back of the classroom... i couldnt stay up for the life of me... then reading period casey and the orchestra people came back from state... and casey was rather tan... i think he forgot the sunblock...lol...
Afterschool: boring! but i got to talk to tex and foxy so i was okay... what can i say i love talking to felicia (both of them)... then i bummed a ride off of muffin to youth group... we had to take a pit stop at muffin's house so he could take a shower... tex and i sat in the car and just talked (we havent done that in quite a while) and whatever is said in the car, stays in the car... end of story... at about 625 he comes back out the house (we got there at 6) and we take off to the church...
Youth 180: we were a tad bit late but it wasnt that bad... they were talking about something i had no clue about... then we sang some songs, talked about eternity and stupid humans and wrapping old people up with dental floss... tis a long conversation and there was trivia involved and and tex being mute but still talking... not quite sure how that worked... eventually we got kicked out after biscuit beat me in 9-ball and i played the piano for a little bit... me, muffin and biscuit went outside and waited for felicia... it was a LONG wait... so biscuit left and me and muffin just sat out there and talked (tis our longest conversation yet but everytime muffin and i talk, tis usually a good conversation containing deep thoughts... eventually after maybe 20 minutes or more felicia comes out and i make her sit in the back (ha!) and we rode down US1 playing "get low" and then they dropped me off and i'm home getting yelled at to clean my room and do my homework and such... i wont be sleeping tonight... and tex and i are convinced that my mom dislikes her and we arent quite sure why... *shrugs* whatever
well i'm going to go study before my mom gets angry (you dont want to piss off a black single mother... trust me on this one folks)
night
-beverley-
when the day is pretty much making you feel like crap and nothing seems to work, try and think back on past events and find a time when u smiled...sometimes a visual from the past can bring a smile in the present... i have a few of those... and i thank God for the ones that i have...
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